Why do I write

Because ....

Amazing things happen when we just let go. Letting go of attachments, judgements, and assumptions, we suddenly – if only for a few seconds – simply know. More closely seen, we simply remember what we’ve always known. The knowledge permeates the senses now changed and refined. The knowing is not explainable, then not describable, then not even nameable, and never imaginable -- it is that real! And yet! Because this is what we are become, we know no greater desire but, each in their own way, to act, explain, describe, name, and imagine whatever we can to attract the suffering world to the same. Because we are the world, each of us, and also all of us.

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Consider, for example, a particular song from the artist Tiffany Arbuckle (Lee), better known as, Plumb. The song title is “Cut.”

I do not normally include media because I prefer to focus on the simple flow of words and ideas, and on the frame of mind I try to bring. But I listened to this particular track often while writing and editing. It is one of very few music tracks that significantly affected me as I wrote. At times, I felt I was almost replying to Plumb or at least replying to the kind of human suffering that that she so artfully portrayed; because of that feeling, I am sure there is something of this song in the pages I have written. And of course there are other, older reasons that this song interested me.

While listening to it I got the impression of at least two or three ways to understand the word, “cut,” in the phrases, “I am cut” and “I was cut,” in conjunction with the repeated phrase, “I am not alone.” Of course, the immediate interpretation is that “cut” refers to self-harm perhaps in reaction to abuse or tragedy. But another meaning of the word also came through easily. It is one of separation as in, cut off from, fallen away from, or a lost connection to something of great importance and significance — something so important that it overshadows abuse and tragedy.

During the song there is a change from present tense (I find, I am) to past tense (I found, I was). At first, the song seems to be about childhood abuse, and Plumb’s own description of the song emphasizes self-harm. But by the end of the song the feeling is one of reconnection with or return to something that had been lost or discarded, as though the separation, or at least its terrible impact, is now in the past. The words in the lyrics seem to change meaning. But I can see that the lyrics at the end are not quite worded in a way to support this idea (relief exists I found it when I was cut). None the less, that is the impression I get when I listen uncritically, that “cut” has three different meanings: suffering (abuse, tragedy, self-harm), then separation (cut-off, abandoned, lost), and finally return (a crossing-over, a sudden change, the simplest thing!), all of which can apply to the word.

The emotions I experienced while listening were complex and shifting, but they always shifted in the same direction from the material story of suffering to something purer, simpler, and more enduring.

Of course, I do not know if I got this from the music or if I projected it onto the music from the subjects I write about. It is more likely the latter because of the way the music reminded me of things I already knew about my own life.

It is significant that Plumb is well-known for her contributions to spiritual and religious music; but this kind of religious/trance-style music is new to me.

To me, Cut is a work of fine art, like fine painting. It is particularly interesting remixed in this trance-style. I think it is quite a skill to create these effects with only subtle hints and gestures, and I believe this remix enhanced those effects from the original version.

I provide the lyrics below the player. Then, below the lyrics I included The Rain.

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

I am not alone
I am not alone

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The context for The Rain is Thing and Context which considers the nature of traumatic stress. The Rain is an interpretation of The Parable of the Rain from The Lotus Sutra.

The title of this post is “Why do I write.” And as I mentioned above, there is in my writing a reply to suffering and misery, and perhaps a reply to Plumb and to the kind of suffering she portrayed. The Rain is characteristic.

The Rain

Look around you. Survey your world. This world that you experience appears only to you and to no other. Your world arose with you in time, only in you, and it will soon be gone forever. What is this world? Of what is it made? From where did it come?

—

Have you heard of the rain that falls from everywhere at once, that falls equally upon every atom of every world? It falls down from the sky and up from the earth. It falls sideways East to West and West to East simultaneously; North to South and South to North; from all directions everywhere, all at once.

You see the color of the rain as it falls upon your eyes, upon your thoughts, and upon your very being. You taste the flavor of the rain as it falls into your mouth and upon your tongue. You hear the sound of the rain as it falls upon your ears, even as the words and the meanings of words that you hear and use. You feel the rain upon your skin, falling from everywhere; you feel the rain falling outward from the core of you and into your awareness. You smell the rain all around and within you, its fragrance reminding you of your being, knitting all these moments together into this reality.

The rain emerges from in between the atoms and particles, from smaller than the smallest, not favoring any origin over any other. It arises from beyond the farthest limits of all possible worlds.

The rain is one rain in all its forms, arising from one source, raining down equally upon one awareness; and every infinitesimal droplet is unique across the whole universe.

The rain nourishes your will to be, to know, to participate, to do good things, to benefit others, to overcome suffering, to reduce fear and misery, to expand awareness ever further into all possibilities of when and where.

The rain nourishes your will to rise up from plain desires, to transcend hardships and injuries, to reach toward the meaning of the rain itself just as all plants and animals strive toward that same source of all experience.

The rain falls right here this very moment.

And to what end does this rain fall on you?

To fulfill you,
move you,
remind you.

Notice the rain.

Aware of these words,
just being here,
realizing.

With no more words.